This Just In...

[Fearing lawsuits and exposure as a creative genius and therefore preferring to remain anonymous, the author of the following item has granted me permission to publish his email to a wider audience... -fp- ]

I'd like to make a constructive offer to the people who are working on "Cellphone". And before stating the offer, let me say that I am open to backdoor-offers.

First, consider the avalanche of support for Telephone in the last couple of months. I have a page for some of my recent calls on Telephone, but not all of them (no, no - there's far, far too many of them. I wouldn't want to bore you dears). If Cellphone proposes to go up against Telephone, this is what it's going up against. This, and a Louisville slugger with rusty nails banged into it.

Would it be reasonable to merge Cellphone and Telephone, much the way we merged semaphore format with telegraph between 1734 and 1863?

Some bullet-points follow..

0. We could come up with a new format called say Te1e/ph0n (which conveniently is the terminology many people, like Scooby Doo, are using to talk about the format used for talking to people and listening). And, yes, I have started my list with a 0. This is because I am a 1337 hax0r. You wouldn't understand so don't even try. Secondly, I'm also aware that this is a numbered list, not bullet points in the purest sense, but as my upcoming paper for the Berkhole Center will explain...

1. Ahem. The format would differ from Telephone as little as possible. This is, of course, because the format of Telephone is immeasurably superior to that of cellphone as any right thinking person would instantly recognize.

2. It would have the great spec that the cellphone people are promising. A great dialer, and lots of support from switchboard operators who evangelize the format. There wouldn't be many flames because everyone would be getting most of what they want. If there's any flaming to be done, I will be proud to shoulder the fearful burden in my normal selfless manner.

3. It would be managed by an IETF working group that would be open to anyone who wants to participate. Except that Isenberg fucker. He can't go around just calling people's inventions stupid and think there won't be a bloody reckoning some day.

4. It would be backdoor compatible with Telephone 2.0, so that any 2.0 "conversation" could become a Te1e/ph0n "chat" by changing absolutely nothing. In fact, it would be Telephone 2.0, just with a better name. Prepare to be assimilated, motherfucker. Or, as my dear, dear friends around these Ivy clad walls never tire of hearing me say: BOGU.

5. The top level item in the feed would be called ph0nWeiner. It's a problem for at least one switchboard operator that the top level item in Cellphone is called "call" -- not such a problem today, but later when another format comes along that also calls its top level item "call." Formats in general should use a distinctive name for their top-level element. (Prior art: DOT, DASH, FLAG, BEEP.)

6. What else?

Caveat: All of this was written quickly with a fifth of Old Granddad and a handful of bennies in the bag, so it should not be considered remotely coherent. Can we put aside our differences now, and come up with a format that honors the work that's been done in the past and today and makes it possible for things to be better in the future, without the wasted energy that comes from disagreement and disrespect? Or am I just going to have to keep flaming every last one of you hosers and shouting you down at every conference I go to for the next 10 years?